dark cravings

So…funny story…and I need some input from you folks to ensure my sanity.

Have you ever had a craving, like a deep, urgent, can’t be refused craving? I’m sure you all have. For some it’s chocolate, others it’s chips, but rarely is it salad or anything good for us. I can honestly say I have never experienced a good healthy craving for zumba or wheatgrass.

Have you ever wondered where that craving stems from? Last night, after a day of home improving (I use this term in the loosest way possible, similar to “fine cooking”) I sat down to enjoy a glass of wine but I was OVERCOME with a desire for poutine. Now, this kind of craving probably visits many of us after a healthy night of binge drinking, but for me cravings are often linked to people. Weird, right?

Let me give you an example. Pizza with salt craving, means I’m deeply craving my bestest friend from high school, the only person I know who puts salt on her pizza and the only person who knows me inside and out. Pizza with a little salt makes me think about swimming in a lake at night, and driving too fast on dark roads because I’m young and invincible. It tastes like youth and irresponsibility.

Poutine, in all its greasy, dark, cheesy loveliness, reminds me of a different time. Actually, of an old boyfriend. SCANDALOUS!

Well….not really….

Poutine is the flavor of m early 20’s. Out on my own for the first time and allowed to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Also the time I was able to date who I wanted when I wanted. I had drawer of my things at his place, and neighbors banging on the walls to “keep it down” at 3am. It was the taste of giving responsibility the middle finger (hmmm...I haven't really done that lately, now have I?). I had the best poutine of my life when I was in my early 20’s and the first REAL grown up relationship, coincidence?

Now, before anyone gets all deep and question-y about this craving, it’s not really about the person. It’s about the time. Last night I wanted poutine to celebrate remembrance, one might say. A time of independence and youth, when paying the rent on time was an accomplishment. A moment when I was free to pick up and go where and when I wanted. When dating a boy who loved to take my picture and cooked me spaghetti was the most romantic and exciting things a girl could want.

Obviously I ordered delivery and enjoyed the taste of my 20’s. But it made me question if I’m the only one who experiences this kind of craving. Like smell brings about strong memories, food for me is linked to times, places and people.

Anyone else experience episodes like this? Do you have food that is linked to people or times in you life?

throw some luck this way!

Hello friends!

I know it’s been a few days and you’re all a little hungry for my thoughts but I have been a busy girl! This will be a quick and dirty update.

So…This week I have purchased and have not killed a plant. Although this is not my biggest news I think it is note worthy. I have also embarked on a renovation project that I’ve already grown bored with, proving that I am productive and functioning adult. BUT…the BIG GIAGANTIC news is I have two interviews this week!! YAY ME!!!

Okay…before I get all Yay me-ing…they are interviews with recruitment agencies, and I still haven’t found that woo-hoo job that I have been looking for…BUT there has been a little lead that has made me lose a little sleep and that I may be suited for…

Which leads me to my next thought. Being unemployed is a huge hit on the confidence. I have NEVER been unemployed…the very thought of it makes me cringe. I ran into a mom at the hardware store and she asked if I was taking a day off of work….yes…just a few days…you know, to get this DIY project finished….YIKES! Why couldn’t I just say…”actually, I’m between jobs right now” or “I’m looking for something new” and really…what the heck was she doing in there at 10am on a Tuesday???

Just a note to all the single ladies: ALL THE HOT CONTRACTORS ARE AT HOME DEPO AT 10AM ON TUESDAY!

Which probably explains why the burb-mommies are there too….

Wish me luck peeps….today I sidewalk stomp my resume all over this city :)

Girl desperately seeking fulfillment...or at least a hobby

OKay....being unemployed for the first time in 20 years I have learned some things about myself this week:

First: My house was never messy due to how busy I was, it was (is) messy because I'm domestically lazy and I have been using my full time job as a crutch for years.

Second: Without the busy full time job I cannot have junk food in my house. I feel the same way about organized exercise (aka: the GYM) as I do about organized religion. It's a personal choice.

Lastly, with no structure, I am coming unhinged.

Yesterday I went to the Bulkbarn. Yes, it's nothing but glamour in unemployment land. But I couldn't help but think about the brilliance behind the Bulkbarn idea. There's no misrepresentation in those bins. You know exactly what you're going to get, and you can get as much or as little as you want. And the selection! MAD selection!! Life should be like a Bulkbard, each bin neatly labeled, lots of choices, and no limits. Profound enlightenment as I scope out 3lbs of m&M's make me realize I need to at least get a hobby...fast...before I'm found marvelling in wonderment in the isles of the local Wal-Mart.

A nine to five job is like being in elementary school. Somehow, magically, the coffee is fresh at 8:30 am and 3pm. At recess I would grab a snack. My stomach would tell me it was lunch time without even needing to look at a clock. Everything in its place, everyone behaving and playing nice.

The last couple of days I haven't put on office clothes, wore make-up, or attended meetings in a fancy boardroom. I HAVE had the most meaningful conversations with my dog and cat who were unable to give me any life changing direction. Needless to say, I'm starting to feel a little...shall we say.... unproductive?

Some options are on the horizon, but I am toying with the idea of self employment. I've spent years working for other people, being the order taker, rather than the decision maker. Now, I'm not saying I have the discipline, and I haven't come up with the "lightbulb" idea, but with all this time on my hands and spending hours online looking at job possibilities, I just don't feel that spark, the excitement when you know that you've found the perfect fit. So maybe it's time for me to get out of my comfort zone, think outside of the box I just broke out of?

Tomorrow's list of things to do:

Put the last load of laundry away..AND the socks

Meet with girlfriend for coffee and heart to heart

Clean bathrooms (okay...I put this on the list but we all know I'm not going to do it)

Research what is needed to start my own business (outside of the obvious, BIG IDEA)

Wish me luck!

Letting it all hang out....

I believe we all edit things in our lives, and after a while the edited version becomes more of a truth than the actual version. We've all told little white lies on first or second dates, dialed down (or for some, dialed up) the number of people we've been with, and occasionally I'm sure we've all embellished (or "enriched") our resumes. Well, folks....I know some of you may have wondered, so below is my complete and honest resume. I've included some side notes and a couple of lessons I've learned, and lord knows, each position has it's own story I could expand on. If you want to hear more about any of them let me know! I'm always game to share a good story!

Cattle farm (helping milk cows and feeding the chickens) – I would shovel manure in the barn over feeding the chicken…they are disgusting!

Woolco – cashier – wore a burgundy stripped shirt with a bow tie…ate lunch at the Strawberry Fair Diner everyday.

Wally World – Cashier, cash room supervisor, greeter – No matter what anyone says, being the squiggle in the Wal-Mart cheer will NEVER be sexy

DQ – blizzard queen – I haven’t decided if I’m hot eats or cool treats…but all you can eat ice cream? I lived on soft serve for two months

Selling roses in bars – I made more money in one weekend then I did working 10 minimum wage shifts. Tax Free….lessons my 20 year self learned….when a drunk man tells you you’re an idiot, that the bill he just gave you is indeed a $20 and not a $50….give him his $15 change and hope he learns some manners.

S. Drugmart – cashier, cashier supervisor, cosmetics – worked with some fun peeps, rocked the 3-11 shift, lived like rockstars, slept until noon everyday, partied all night. Dyed my hair every colour of the rainbow…including black, pink and once green by accident. Shot hoops with the Raptors as the Life Brand Bear. True story, it was on Much Music and everything!

Temp reception at Ad Agency – wrapped client Christmas gifts, answered phones, made photocopies and was taught how to make a pot of coffee…very important life skills.

TH – coffee slinger, another stripped shirt, but this also included a snazzy visor! Dangerous for someone as high strung as me to have coffee so readily available.

Little C. Pizza – cashier/order taker, never really liked their pizza…I think that was the downfall of my career with them…oh…and they wanted me to work the dish pit…yeah….I draw the line somewhere

Selling pies on the side of the road for Simon the Pie Man – self-explanatory, pies were $6 each, lesson learned, in July you should ALWAYS have sunscreen when you are sitting on the side of the road on the highway with no umbrella or shade. The epic sunburn that I experienced after the first day was…well….epic

Reception for Cellular Connection Company – Summer job, answered phones for a gangster, no really…he was a gangster….he was found shot in the head in a parking lot a couple of years after I worked there. He yelled at me for 20 minutes when I mistakenly didn’t fill in the message pad correctly…lesson learned…ALWAYS fill in the message pad.

Teacher’s assistant for Philosophy professor – graded papers and monitored exam writing.

Sports card shop in Ontario – old farty man/owner constantly trying to brush up against me behind the counter…YUCK!

Nanny of a 7 and 3 year old – worked 12 hours a day providing support for a family that couldn’t operate their own dishwasher, washer or dryer…but had no problem figuring out the TV for their kids when they were home.

B. Luggage and handbags – assistant manager of luggage and hand bag store – while pregnant…

Kitchen hand at the Rodeo in Edmonton (dessert and salad) – lasted a week and a half. Allowed to eat all the dessert and salad you wanted…Really…like there’s a reason to offer the salad in that deal?

Reception/File maintenance clerk/Accounts receivable clerk - Chev Olds Dealership in Edmonton (car dealership) – started full time and dazzled them with my pushy Mainlander ways. Was locked in a file room called the “chicken closet” for 2 1/2 hours and worked with questionable car sales men.

Temp office assistant at Teacher’s Association Edmonton – 2-week term as the girl that normally filled this role had a little “psychological episode”

Permenant Ad Agency – reception/IT and Networking support – 6 years learning what makes an agency tick, being the gate keeper, and told that the first word in SECRETARY is SECRET…enforced a no touch policy, fetched coffee, fixed computers and attended lots of fun parties

Computer technician – built computers, discovered lack of ability to troubleshoot computer issues over the phone, became a pirate and a wizard

Architectural Firm – Office assistant/file maintenance – No matter how much they drink, Architects are unable to talk about anything but shop….no matter how much I drank I still didn’t understand half of what they were talking about

Hotel and Resort – Executive assistant to regional VP/Sales and Marketing coordinator/Administrative assistant – cheap room rates, but couldn’t go to the bathroom without permission. Corporate culture, lots of self-importance and egos. First exposure to corporate attitude…you’re only as important as your title.

Nameless Agency – Client Service Account Coordinator – loved the culture, talent and people, but hired to fill a role that became too difficult for me to manage. Saddened to have to leave, hopeful to be able to return in a different role in the future.

Super Mom and the red wine diaries

Saturday night I had the pleasure of sharing wine and breaking bread with some fabulous moms. As the boys watched sports and the ladies cozied up by the fire I realized there's a surprising story behind every family and no matter what it looks like from outside, none of us are perfect.

These ladies are extraordinary...and between three of us there are 5 children, 2 husbands, 1 boyfriend, 2 cats and one dog. We're all in different stages in our lives...the very new mom, the mom of three under eight, and the veteren mom (that's me). Over several glasses of wine we discussed our relationships, our love of our children, and our day to day struggles to keep it all together.

The big take away from Saturday night, besides learning that you actually DO get an extra glass of wine from buying the litre versus buying by the glass, is we're all fighting the same battle. We might be using different weapons, and some of us have a better game face than others, but in the end we all just want balance and happiness.

There's a comfort I feel knowing that I'm not alone, a validation that the expectations of being super mom, maintaining a "Good Housekeeping" home and working full time just isn't achievable. Who set the bar that high? If my daughter wears two different (mostly clean) socks to school does that make me a bad mother? If she doesn't have homemade cookies (gluten free, sugar free, nut free...) in her lunch box, will I be judged? Obviously child services should be called....

Just like the photoshopping of images in magazines can be damaging to young girls, in my opinion, Martha Stewart can destroy a mothers self esteem. To all the moms out there just trying to make it through the day without coming unglued, you're not alone, you're not a bad mother and it will get easier tomorrow. To the moms who bake the cookies and have matching clean socks on their children's feet everyday, good for you! I can't do it, and I know lots of woman who can't do it, and that doesn't mean we're not good moms, or we don't value matching socks, it just means we've put something above it on the list of priorities.

Living the Dream...sort of?

On the occasional off day I would dream of what it would be like to be rich, or better yet, a "Kept Woman". I would fill my days with yoga, facials, some charity work and head the PTA. I would make crafts with my daughter and cookies for all the school events and have a gleaming clean and organized home. I would host evening book clubs and vacation three times a year...sigh....yes...I would be the best me possible.

Now, those who know me would probably have a good little giggle at this, but those who know me well would have an outright and authentic Laugh Out Loud at the thought of me doing any of the above. There's no secret about my domestic abilities, or lack there of....and as for heading the PTA? I have to admit, those mom's kind of frighten me. Yoga? I like the breathing part and the Namasta at the end. The vacationing....yes...that I could get down with, who doesn't love to travel?

Really, when I get down to the nitty gritty, I don't think I would be very good at being a Kept Woman. I think I would get bored, that the lack of grown-up social interaction would wear on me. I would need more stimulation than glueing glitter to construction paper and making sure a balanced dinner (prepared by God knows who) would be on the table for my family.

Some things are simply hard-wired into our DNA. Like my eye colour and my natural hair colour....sure I can get coloured contacts and dye my hair, but at the end of the day I'm still a redhead with blue eyes. At the end of the day I also need to work and am fiercely independent. Some people were born stay at home, they are just good at it without even trying. For me? Not so much...staying home is just too much WORK.

Not working outside of the home, for me, is setting myself up for failure, it would shine a big spotlight on my inadequacies. What is now a running joke among my friends would become awkward and weird.

No need to organize the intervention, domestic goddess is crossed off my list as well.

So what's on my list? What can a girl who loves to travel and hates domestic tasks do to earn a living while maintaining some fulfillment and balance? I recently told a friend that if I knew the answer to this I would be a rich rich lady....

This post was brought to you today by the five loads of laundry I'm avoiding as well as the Pillsbury dough croissants I burned this morning.

Career counseling from a 10 year old

On my way home from my dramatic and tearful "coming undone" my loving and supportive husband asks me: "do you need anything" in that careful way he usually does every 28 days...the cautious way men do when they know they have no idea what they should do or say. Red nosed and puffy-eyed, still numb with disbelief, I respond "we need to stop at the liquor store, I need a bottle of wine"....then, "wait a minute...is that bad?" he responds with, "of course not, it would have been bad if you wanted to pick up a box of wine..." this is one of the many reasons why I love this man.

So off we go to the liquor store.

Meanwhile in the backseat of the car is my 10 year old daughter. Being an only child she is very intuitive to her grown ups. But I think there's something else here worth mentioning. I think there's a natural intuitiveness we lose as adults. My daughter knows when I'm on the phone with a girl friend she can ask me for a freezie and 9 times out of 10 I will say yes. She also knows instinctively when something is going on with her grown-ups and always wants to try to make things better. I think, as adults, we forget sometimes to stop, look and listen to what the people around us are really saying, how they're really feeling, and we forget sometimes, when we're all wrapped up in our own snuggies of personal drama, to try to make things a little better for each other.

I explain to her that things just didn't work out with the job I had, and sometimes these things happen, and I reassure her that she doesn't have to worry about anything. All the things a good mother should say, even though the words are all the right words to say, I know she can smell my uncertainty a mile away.

My 10 year old is a star, and I love her to pieces everyday for her spirit. But what she says next will haunt me for days (years?) to come....

She's quiet for a minute, digesting the news, and very sophisticated in her "I can fix this" response:

"that's great, you can work in the school cafeteria"

................................I gasp, and wide-eyed glance over at my husband..........and, to my horror, she follows this with "or the after school program"...............

My husband knows he needs to shut this down, but I whisper quietly "this isn't helping right now"....and he's already stopping her before she has me working at Toys-R-Us or driving the school bus. As I clutch the bottle of wine that's safely nuzzled between my legs I know I will think this is all hysterically funny...eventually...once the vision of me in a hairnet, screaming at 400 elementary school kids is erased from my mind, possibly after I drink this bottle of wine.

Now, I have to say, there is nothing wrong with any of these jobs, except they just aren't for me. I have several references of my domestic inabilities, I consider using the toaster a success, and I drive a sport wagon....large vehicles are impossible for me to navigate. I've worked "get your hands dirty" jobs before and I have nothing but mad respect for the folks that do these jobs everyday. I also know that the parents in my district are all breathing a sigh of relief that I have crossed these opportunities off my list.

Tomorrow I will tackle more job searching, but today, I will pick up my lovely daughter and her friend and enjoy pizza and a Walt Disney movie and just enjoy being a mom to a pretty spectacular kid.

She's come undone...

On Monday I had a moment....not a AH-HA moment...not a HO-HUM moment...but a THIS GIRL IS GOING TO COME UNDONE moment....and then I did.

Just a little about me first...then about the coming undone part....I'm a pretty upbeat positive Can-Do, "Yes" kind of girl...I'm 35, a mother of a 10 year old girl and the wife of a wonderfully supportive man. I live a quiet little life in a house on a hill with a modest car and a middle class lifestyle. It's a pretty picture....but of course....I haven't got to the really juicy part...

I love working in client services in an ad agency, the rush of the deadline, the creative process, the dramatics and energy....being a pleaser it's the perfect place for someone like me....but on Monday I hit the breaking point...I not only went to the edge and peered over, i threw myself off the cliff blindly...I think you can see where this is going....I QUIT MY JOB. Well...I can say it wasn't quite that easy or graceful. And certainly not like the "take this job and shove it" moment most people dream about.

The best way I can describe how this went down is like this: The client wasn't happy with me, I wasn't happy with the client, the agency wasn't happy with either of us...it was a love triangle gone wrong, and so I put my big girl undies on and pulled the plug on the whole affair before it got really ugly.

The end result....I'm 35 and I'm unemployed, with no prospects and bills to pay...and maybe I'm still riding on the waves of empowerment (insanity?) but I'm doing okay. I obviously know I will have to find gainful employment, but I know it's out there. I have always worked because I HAD to, not because I was particularly passionate about what I was doing. Every job I have held has lead me to something bigger and better than the previous, so today I'm confident I will hear back from the nearly dozen resumes I sent out.

Tomorrow I anticipate the glitter will wear off of this new "empowerment gown" I'm currently wearing and I will slip into a more humble dress of "hopefulness". Although not wanting to seem like an eager school girl waiting by the phone, I confess that I have checked my email today a little more than usual. and I did call my number a couple of times to make sure the phone was working....and I called my ISP to make sure the everything was working on their end.

So, finally...why AM I blogging this? Why share my failure and inner most fears with the world? I guess I have some time on my hands and need a little patch of space of my very own to vent. I also assume I'm not alone, that if I did this, there's probably lots of others who have taken drastic measures in their lives (maybe we can start a support group?) but mostly, if there are folks out there who wonder what would happen if they snapped and quit their job...well...you can tune in and either be inspired to make a change or thank goodness you still keep on keeping on, depending of course on how this all plays out.